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When I Say No, I Feel Guilty: How to Cope - Using the Skills of Systematic Assertive Therapy

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The best-seller that helps you say: "I just said 'no' and I don't feel guilty!" Are you letting your kids get away with murder? Are you allowing your mother-in-law to impose her will on you? Are you embarrassed by praise or crushed by criticism? Are you having trouble coping with people? Learn the answers in "When I Say No, I Feel Guilty," the best-seller with The best-seller that helps you say: "I just said 'no' and I don't feel guilty!" Are you letting your kids get away with murder? Are you allowing your mother-in-law to impose her will on you? Are you embarrassed by praise or crushed by criticism? Are you having trouble coping with people? Learn the answers in "When I Say No, I Feel Guilty," the best-seller with revolutionary new techniques for getting your own way.


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The best-seller that helps you say: "I just said 'no' and I don't feel guilty!" Are you letting your kids get away with murder? Are you allowing your mother-in-law to impose her will on you? Are you embarrassed by praise or crushed by criticism? Are you having trouble coping with people? Learn the answers in "When I Say No, I Feel Guilty," the best-seller with The best-seller that helps you say: "I just said 'no' and I don't feel guilty!" Are you letting your kids get away with murder? Are you allowing your mother-in-law to impose her will on you? Are you embarrassed by praise or crushed by criticism? Are you having trouble coping with people? Learn the answers in "When I Say No, I Feel Guilty," the best-seller with revolutionary new techniques for getting your own way.

30 review for When I Say No, I Feel Guilty: How to Cope - Using the Skills of Systematic Assertive Therapy

  1. 5 out of 5

    Tiffany

    This book is certainly dated, but I can't recommend it enough for those who struggle with asserting themselves in various situations. It offers incredibly helpful methods for coping with criticism, manipulation, and other relationship issues. Chapters 2 and 3, describing our assertive human rights, seem common-sense, but are often undermined by family, religion, and culture. Just reading them helped open my eyes to the ways I forfeit these rights to others, and helped me recall those rights This book is certainly dated, but I can't recommend it enough for those who struggle with asserting themselves in various situations. It offers incredibly helpful methods for coping with criticism, manipulation, and other relationship issues. Chapters 2 and 3, describing our assertive human rights, seem common-sense, but are often undermined by family, religion, and culture. Just reading them helped open my eyes to the ways I forfeit these rights to others, and helped me recall those rights during confrontational situations. The "fogging" technique in Chapter 6 I've found most helpful out of all the techniques offered, for un-learning those knee-jerk reactions to other people's comments and for learning to listen calmly rather than reacting defensively. If you can get past the somewhat dated scenarios and references in the book (written in 1970s), it's worth reading.

  2. 4 out of 5

    E

    Classic assertiveness training manual Take a trip back to the 1970s, when leisure suits, long sideburns and “assertiveness training” were all the rage. Psychologist Manuel J. Smith was a pioneer in the life-changing assertiveness training movement. Reading his bestseller about it decades later adds a new perspective. Some of his advice still feels relevant, particularly when he urges you to beware of those who try to impose their standards of “right” and “wrong” to manipulate you. Smith lists Classic assertiveness training manual Take a trip back to the 1970s, when leisure suits, long sideburns and “assertiveness training” were all the rage. Psychologist Manuel J. Smith was a pioneer in the life-changing assertiveness training movement. Reading his bestseller about it decades later adds a new perspective. Some of his advice still feels relevant, particularly when he urges you to beware of those who try to impose their standards of “right” and “wrong” to manipulate you. Smith lists your 10 “assertive rights,” the most important being the right to be the ultimate judge of your own behavior. He details several verbal techniques you can use to block manipulation, and encourage productive communication and negotiation. He supports each tactic with sample dialogues from real-life situations. Although some of his counsel may seem as dated as disco, getAbstract recommends his classic training manual to anyone who still feels guilty about saying “no!”

  3. 5 out of 5

    Andy McKenzie

    I read this book because I think assertiveness and achieving your goals in the face of other's indifference and/or mild opposition is an important skill. Right off the bat, the first chapter of this book annoyed me, because I felt that there was a lot of speculation, especially about a) the causes of depression and b) the idea that childhood interaction patterns have an inordinately large effect on your adult life. Therefore, I practiced my assertive right to skip it -- and I recommend that you I read this book because I think assertiveness and achieving your goals in the face of other's indifference and/or mild opposition is an important skill. Right off the bat, the first chapter of this book annoyed me, because I felt that there was a lot of speculation, especially about a) the causes of depression and b) the idea that childhood interaction patterns have an inordinately large effect on your adult life. Therefore, I practiced my assertive right to skip it -- and I recommend that you consider doing that too! However, the next 100 pages or so of the book is pretty great. First he lays out what he calls his ten "assertive rights." As with any discussion about rights, these are most useful as a general framework for how to think about the problem of assertiveness than an actual workable plan. They got me pumped up -- especially the first one. Next he goes into the specifics of a few techniques for how to actually accomplish these lofty assertiveness goals. The most useful ones to me are "BROKEN RECORD," which is about repeating your goals until they are acknowledged and/or you get them, and "FOGGING," which is about agreeing with someone's points to prove that their criticisms of you are not effective. After these 100 pages, I used my assertive right of skimming to the end of the book. A mark of a caring author is someone who makes you feel that this is not a bad thing -- indeed, someone who might even encourage it -- and Dr. Smith is such an author. Overall, he's clearly an expert in assertiveness, and was able to draw upon a substantial wealth of classroom experiences in each of the topics that he discussed. This made the book richer and more useful. I didn't read all of the dialogues because they were a bit repetitive, but the ones I did read were quite funny -- in particular the "FOGGING" one was hilarious and I wrote "lol" all over the margins. There is a great 100 pages between p. 24 and p. 119 (ch. 2-6) and I recommend checking it out. So, you might be asking, why I am giving this book four stars, instead of five? I understand why you'd ask that question, but I'm not interested in answering it right now. SR Flashcards q: What is the main reason that passive aggressiveness is bad? a: it's bad for you, since it means that your thoughts aren't being heard, and you often end up doing something you don't want to q: Do compromises need to be fair in order to be useful? why? a: no; life isn't fair > "If life were fair, you and I would be taking turns visiting the Caribbean and the French Riviera with the Rockefellers! Instead we're in this crummy classroom trying to learn how to be assertive!" q: What are morals? a: arbitrary rules people adopt to use in judging their own and other people's behavior" q: What are legal systems? q: arbitrary rules society has adopted to provide negative consequences for behavior that society wishes to suppress q: If someone asks you why you're doing something, do you need to explain yourself? a: no -- you do *not* need to justify your behavior to anyone else > you can choose to, but you don't need to q: Do you have the right to change your mind? a: yes q: In most circumstances, instead of saying "sorry", what should you do? a: state the facts -- e.g., "you're right, I messed up by doing X instead of Y" > no need to be dogmatic about this, but "sorry" isn't very informative and usually other words are more effective for getting your point across > plus sometimes it is ♫ too late to say I'm sorry ♫ q: How should you respond to a leading question where someone is clearly trying to manipulate me? a: "I don't know" > e.g., "What do you think would happen if everyone did that?" or "What do you think you should have done instead?" q: What is a good response if a friend asks you to do something this weekend and you don't want to? a: "No, I just don't feel like it this weekend. Let's try another time?" > I get that this can be done, and it's important to do now and then to establish that you can, although I do also think that white lies make the world go round q: What is logic? (in colloquial use) a: logic is what other people use to prove that you're wrong > you should reserve the right to be illogical q: If someone criticizes you about something unserious, what should you do? a: agree with them as much as possible -- "fogging" -- by saying something like "you might be right" > do not deny, get defensive, or turn the criticism around onto them > "unserious" bc a) if you actually made a mistake, you should own it, b) if it's legal or cops or something, you obviously should say "let me talk to my lawyer" ;-) q: When you're giving a public talk, what is a "South of France" question? how should you answer? a: when someone says something like, "how does this apply in the South of France", i.e. a highly esoteric question outside of your area of expertise; "I don't know" Habits When you want something, be a BROKEN RECORD: "One of the most important aspects of being verbally assertive is to be persistent and to keep saying what you want over and over again without getting angry, irritated, or loud." Quotes "If we cope in these ways, not only do we get angry or afraid but we usually lose the battle -- and there are real battles in life, to be won or lost -- with other people; we get frustrated and eventually sad or depressed." "No one can manipulate your emotions or behavior if you do not allow it to happen." "Whenever you hear yourself or someone else say 'should', extend your anti-manipulative antennae up as far as possible and listen carefully. In all likelihood, some message that says, "You are not your own judge." will follow." "Feeling good about yourself is a major goal of assertiveness therapy. Once we feel good about ourselves, our ability to cope with conflict "snowballs." "You can always find something wrong with someone else if you really want to." The possible responses for a human to a problem: fight, flight, and verbal problem solving.

  4. 4 out of 5

    Agnieszka

    This is a book the delivers on its promise. While it has a bit of the usual padding that one finds in self-help books, even the padding serves the point of introducing the concepts of assertiveness. First you get the theory of assertiveness, then you get extremely practical techniques for being assertive. I can't hold on to copies of this book because I keep giving it away to friends. Luckily you can often find it in the free bin at Your Neighborhood Used Book Store. Some of the sample dialouges This is a book the delivers on its promise. While it has a bit of the usual padding that one finds in self-help books, even the padding serves the point of introducing the concepts of assertiveness. First you get the theory of assertiveness, then you get extremely practical techniques for being assertive. I can't hold on to copies of this book because I keep giving it away to friends. Luckily you can often find it in the free bin at Your Neighborhood Used Book Store. Some of the sample dialouges are cheesy, many are dated, and some are just bizarre. The writing is forcibly folksy and unremittingly optimistic. It's vintage 1975 self-help style and I think that's part of the charm; others may disagree. I'm giving this book five stars based on its practical usefulness. It's not literature. It's more like a user guide for your spine. It's not new-agey self-help of the change your deep inner nature style. All the advice is practical and straightforward stuff that you can do right away to immediately begin to assert yourself and improve your life. It's also a quick read. So if you see it in the free bin, go ahead and grab a copy.

  5. 4 out of 5

    Robin Hansen

    A surprising and highly lucid take on assertivity. The author shows how all babies are born assertive, but that many of us unlearn this vital ability through upbringing and socialisation. He shows the vast and numerous problems that this causes. If you are among the many non-assertive people out there, it is essential to re-learn this ability and no longer feel guilty when you say "no". The book contains a lot of transcripts of assertive dialogues. I found it a bit laborious to get through at A surprising and highly lucid take on assertivity. The author shows how all babies are born assertive, but that many of us unlearn this vital ability through upbringing and socialisation. He shows the vast and numerous problems that this causes. If you are among the many non-assertive people out there, it is essential to re-learn this ability and no longer feel guilty when you say "no". The book contains a lot of transcripts of assertive dialogues. I found it a bit laborious to get through at times, but in fact it was a good thing, because it helped me to drill the assertive concepts into my brain again and again.

  6. 5 out of 5

    East Bay J

    When I Say No, I Feel Guilty is a clear, well written book about assertiveness training. My mom got this for me years ago and I carted it around with every intention of reading it. Having finally done so, I am really impressed with what Smith presents in these pages. He provides excellent descriptions of various aspects of assertiveness, explains how to adopt these methods and provides sample dialogues to show how to put these techniques into practice. Anyone facing difficulty in being assertive When I Say No, I Feel Guilty is a clear, well written book about assertiveness training. My mom got this for me years ago and I carted it around with every intention of reading it. Having finally done so, I am really impressed with what Smith presents in these pages. He provides excellent descriptions of various aspects of assertiveness, explains how to adopt these methods and provides sample dialogues to show how to put these techniques into practice. Anyone facing difficulty in being assertive in personal or professional interaction will glean useful information from this book. Impressive.

  7. 4 out of 5

    Jonas Saul

    Excellent Book! Loved it and it really helped me.

  8. 4 out of 5

    Mehrnaz

    I just picked up this book from our school library to see how I can be more assertive with my french tutor trying to impose his preconditioned ideas about teaching the language. Being a language teacher myself and having ideas on how to learn a language best,and on top of that knowing myself and my learning strategies;I need just a little more assertiveness to let him know that it should be me telling him how I learn best and not him telling me! As I was looking at the date it was published I I just picked up this book from our school library to see how I can be more assertive with my french tutor trying to impose his preconditioned ideas about teaching the language. Being a language teacher myself and having ideas on how to learn a language best,and on top of that knowing myself and my learning strategies;I need just a little more assertiveness to let him know that it should be me telling him how I learn best and not him telling me! As I was looking at the date it was published I realized as an iranian growing up in Iran I had all sorts of people manupulating me and I just had no means or resouces to figure this out let alone fight with it. Then I thought the problem this book is addressing must have been a problem for so many americans at the time. The proof to that can be the badge of "bestseller" on the cover. Then I thought how lucky I am that have access to this training course just because I did not stay in Iran and traveled to a modern world. I think many iranians, especially Iranian girls need to learn how to be more assertive and know how to put an stop to people manupulating them from childhood onward.

  9. 4 out of 5

    Marcia Johnston

    I thought I knew all about assertiveness. Then I read this book. What a world this would be if everyone had the skills that this book leaves you with. The examples make this a particularly useful and entertaining read. The principles have stayed with me and made a difference in all kinds of interactions. If you had to pick only one self-help book, this classic would be tough to beat.

  10. 5 out of 5

    Amirography

    Extremely helpful book. My therapist recommended it. It was by far the best recommendation she gave. I loved how practical and helpful it was. I'm actively looking to work on the skills that this book discussed. I hope I find more like it!

  11. 4 out of 5

    Jennifer James

    At first, I was excited about this book. As a woman who often finds it difficult to assert herself, systematic assertiveness training seemed like a wonderful idea. While the assertiveness system was probably good, the examples were so crazy that I couldn't take the book seriously, and ended up looking to see when it had been written. When I saw 1975 as the publishing date, it suddenly made sense why all of the examples were horribly misogynistic. In one example, a man drops a cake on his wife's At first, I was excited about this book. As a woman who often finds it difficult to assert herself, systematic assertiveness training seemed like a wonderful idea. While the assertiveness system was probably good, the examples were so crazy that I couldn't take the book seriously, and ended up looking to see when it had been written. When I saw 1975 as the publishing date, it suddenly made sense why all of the examples were horribly misogynistic. In one example, a man drops a cake on his wife's head, threatens to hit her, and runs out. When they go to therapy together, the author says that the therapy didn't work because the wife wasn't willing to change! The author uses words like: nag, pussywhip, and bitch to describe the behavior of women. In the final section on being assertive about sex, there's a ridiculous example where a husband is trying to get his wife to agree to go to a nudist colony where there is group sex, and when his wife doesn't want to go, the author presents it as being something wrong with her for not agreeing. Seriously, don't read this book. The misogyny is egregious, and there are lots of books about assertiveness that aren't this terrible.

  12. 4 out of 5

    Pamela Fernandes

    This book is about assertive therapy. The book starts out great which deals with why we feel guilty about saying no, the issue rooted itself in childhood and the reasons why we become guilty. I understand the terms fogging, negative assertion, free information and negative inquiry. The book shows through many dialogues how to stick to your guns. While the author says we use this to deal with manipulative people, I find the techniques described in the book equally manipulative. Why can't NO just This book is about assertive therapy. The book starts out great which deals with why we feel guilty about saying no, the issue rooted itself in childhood and the reasons why we become guilty. I understand the terms fogging, negative assertion, free information and negative inquiry. The book shows through many dialogues how to stick to your guns. While the author says we use this to deal with manipulative people, I find the techniques described in the book equally manipulative. Why can't NO just be enough? Certain conversations about sexual needs seem so completely off track, like one couple where the husband wants to visit a nudist colony just to learn something new. I'm not sure why he couldn't do some alternative activity his wife was comfortable with. It seems that the how to cope method seems to be a manipulation in itself, and that's where it tanked for me.

  13. 4 out of 5

    Jalen Lyle-Holmes

    Into it! Reading it I felt more equipment to deal with situations where I want something but don't feel confident standing up for it. I'm still unsure of where the line comes between applying these techniques to be assertive and being an asshole though.

  14. 4 out of 5

    Joe

    This book not at all what I expected. It covered some case studies of commercial transactions where being persistent and asserting your rights will result in improved results. Most of the examples covered people simply repeating what they wanted broken record style. I don't think this is effective in many scenarios as things need to be escalated to management, external regulators or through legal action. There was on example of a parent with irrational fears about the safety of his daughter when This book not at all what I expected. It covered some case studies of commercial transactions where being persistent and asserting your rights will result in improved results. Most of the examples covered people simply repeating what they wanted broken record style. I don't think this is effective in many scenarios as things need to be escalated to management, external regulators or through legal action. There was on example of a parent with irrational fears about the safety of his daughter when she went out in evenings with her friends. The book supported the father chastising his daughter for her being out despite the man's beliefs being largely irrational. Being assertive is generally good but asserting irrational beliefs is not good and you should be working on being more rational and then perhaps focus on assertiveness training. There was another example about a woman increasing her assertiveness to not be led into unwanted sexual encounters. A few chapters later the example was a man being assertive to literally force his wife to go to a nudist colony which was clearly against her wishes. The book might be great for academic purposes and in some limited situations but in many real life examples, this will not help at all.

  15. 4 out of 5

    Marcia Van Camp

    There are a lot of good things about this book, but you can skim it. The main point I think is that, you have to decide what is best for you and not feel bad if you don't want to do what others feel is important. I think the author in some ways acts like this won't have any consequences though...which is frustrating. I think if you are going to start saying no to things, you need to have a better way of helping others around you understand vs. feeling like, it's not important for them to There are a lot of good things about this book, but you can skim it. The main point I think is that, you have to decide what is best for you and not feel bad if you don't want to do what others feel is important. I think the author in some ways acts like this won't have any consequences though...which is frustrating. I think if you are going to start saying no to things, you need to have a better way of helping others around you understand vs. feeling like, it's not important for them to understand. I agree that a lot of us do things we are not comfortable with...and often we feel a lot more upset about then the person who is asking. I think it is important to set boundaries and feel good about the boundaries you set. I also don't agree with the author in a lot of the anti-religion teachings...like there are no ultimate morals, and everything is arbitrary. I do agree though that you should communicate directly with people instead of using God as a manipulative weapon in an argument.

  16. 4 out of 5

    Chris

    This book was recommended to me. It is incredibly dated. None of the coping mechanisms which the author describes teach you how to say "no" or its variants any easier. Instead, most of the coping mechanisms are variants on how to brush somebody off while looking like an ass in the process. The only coping mechanism mentioned which has any lasting value in the real world is "self-disclosure," which is exactly what it sounds like. The other mechanisms are primarily useful in commercial and This book was recommended to me. It is incredibly dated. None of the coping mechanisms which the author describes teach you how to say "no" or its variants any easier. Instead, most of the coping mechanisms are variants on how to brush somebody off while looking like an ass in the process. The only coping mechanism mentioned which has any lasting value in the real world is "self-disclosure," which is exactly what it sounds like. The other mechanisms are primarily useful in commercial and professional interactions, but definitely not more personal, friendly interactions. And it's exactly these interactions where I (and i'm sure other people) need the most help. If you were to apply the author's methods to your spouse, family and friends, you'd end up very lonely.

  17. 4 out of 5

    Erin Bodishbaugh

    I'm only about halfway through this book, but it's already evoking some pretty strong feelings. It's a good book, and important for someone like me who has a real problem with being easily manipulated, but some of the communication techniques outlined in here -- fogging (parrotting criticism back at the critic), broken record ("asserting" the same request over and over to the point of sounding autistic), etc. -- are better suited for therapeutic role-playing sessions than everyday life. Dr. I'm only about halfway through this book, but it's already evoking some pretty strong feelings. It's a good book, and important for someone like me who has a real problem with being easily manipulated, but some of the communication techniques outlined in here -- fogging (parrotting criticism back at the critic), broken record ("asserting" the same request over and over to the point of sounding autistic), etc. -- are better suited for therapeutic role-playing sessions than everyday life. Dr. Smith does give some good, practical advice about recognizing manipulation as it's happening, and also about assertive body language, verbiage, and eye contact. But it's frustrating to have to weed through the unrealistic dialogues to find the helpful gems of truth.

  18. 5 out of 5

    Liz

    Helpful explanations of negative assertion, negative inquiry, and broken record techniques to use when you are being manipulated. A lot of the example dialogues are repetitive and tiresome after reading a few. Some of the tactics feel like they're the basis of 'pickup artist' techniques in the sense that the person using the techniques should not take no for an answer to what they want... which, confusingly, also feels manipulative?

  19. 5 out of 5

    Alex

    It's classic book but now it's very outdated. The principles are still solid but examples just reinforce some ways of nonproductive and manipulative communication. I won't recommend reading it if you don't have at least basic understanding of principles of assertiveness, listening, and emotional intelligence. Only if you do, you would be able to sift through the valuable information.

  20. 4 out of 5

    Emily

    More broad scope than the title would suggest, this book teaches communication skills everyone needs to learn. Properly employed, these skills allow you to be polite in society while at the same time being up front about your own needs.

  21. 5 out of 5

    K.R. Patterson

    There were several of the author’s points that I didn’t agree with, and I started out really doubting this book altogether, but I actually ended up taking away some really good assertiveness skills from this book and I am super glad I read it.

  22. 4 out of 5

    Aishwarya Ghumekar

    ‘When I say no I feel guilty’ is one of the many self-help books which helps to understand how to get your own way by not feeling much guilty after saying the word no and eventually contradicts thetitle of the book by framing it to ‘When I say no, I don’t feel guilty!’The author of the book Manuel J.Smith was a psychologist and renowned author of many other self help books like this one and hiscatchy titles eventually would make you end up reading at least the summary of the book. To summarize, ‘When I say no I feel guilty’ is one of the many self-help books which helps to understand how to get your own way by not feeling much guilty after saying the word no and eventually contradicts thetitle of the book by framing it to ‘When I say no, I don’t feel guilty!’The author of the book Manuel J.Smith was a psychologist and renowned author of many other self help books like this one and hiscatchy titles eventually would make you end up reading at least the summary of the book. To summarize, the book talks about various revolutionary techniques ranging from ‘Broken Record’ and ‘Fogging’ techniques. It is a vintage 1975 book which includes assertive ways to deal with self doubt and tackle situations in smart way by placing your points on the table without hurting people around. The book contains dialogues which makes understanding even better. I personally found this book relatable and it didn’t take much time to finish as I am among the manynon-assertive people out there and this book was bound to keep me hold of it. The implementation of all the techniques in daily life would definitely take much time but this book unlike many otherself help books transcends from simple concepts to tedious ones; which has helped me to changemy daily conversation statements in a better way thus providing enough time to get accustomedwith the reading and start implementing it. The best part of the book is that it is filled with gazillionsof examples which makes it more relatable; the foremost example of behaviour of babies as they are born and change in their behaviours considering the social norms is presented smartly. So, I would definitely recommend this book to anyone who wants to learn the art of saying ‘No’.

  23. 4 out of 5

    Niamh Dempsey

    This is really worth the read- actually I listened to it on Audible which I recommend because much of the learning is in the dialogues. I loved the content, the verbal skills but most of all the irreverent personality of the author and his refreshing 70's lack of political correctness and hilarious delivery. This book was much needed for me personally, and I have never come across this material before nor any references to systematic assertive therapy. It's no longer fashionable it seems, but boy This is really worth the read- actually I listened to it on Audible which I recommend because much of the learning is in the dialogues. I loved the content, the verbal skills but most of all the irreverent personality of the author and his refreshing 70's lack of political correctness and hilarious delivery. This book was much needed for me personally, and I have never come across this material before nor any references to systematic assertive therapy. It's no longer fashionable it seems, but boy is it vital for clear communication and the elimination of manipulation by non defensive means. I also learned lots about how routine manipulation by parents of their children's behaviour using the trio of guilt, anxiety or ignorance-inducing ploys creates the foundations of lack of self esteem and assertion in adulthood. Lots of pennies dropped for me and I joined the dots in many diverse areas such as relationship issues and false beliefs causing distress... I feel I'm being a bit vague here so I will offer an example. Parents often control a child's behaviour by saying something to imply that there is a 'correct' way to think or behave, thereby creating a belief that there is an outside rule book that governs these things. The child feels that this must be true and loses autonomy and self reliance as a result. This is carried on into adulthood where God, morality or the way things 'should' be done is constantly the reference point, rather than the adult being the ultimate judge of their own behaviour, and taking responsibility for that. I am recommending this book to all and sundry. It really is a gem.

  24. 5 out of 5

    Peter

    Awesome book! My number one take away: fogging! Definition of assertiveness: To assert is to state positively with great confidence but with no objective proof - websters dictionary “A BILL OF ASSERTIVE RIGHTS 1. I: You have the right to judge your own behavior, thoughts, and emotions, and to take the responsibility for their initiation and consequences upon yourself. 2. II: You have the right to offer no reasons or excuses for justifying your behavior. 3. III: You have the right to judge if you Awesome book! My number one take away: fogging! Definition of assertiveness: To assert is to state positively with great confidence but with no objective proof - websters dictionary “A BILL OF ASSERTIVE RIGHTS 1. I: You have the right to judge your own behavior, thoughts, and emotions, and to take the responsibility for their initiation and consequences upon yourself. 2. II: You have the right to offer no reasons or excuses for justifying your behavior. 3. III: You have the right to judge if you are responsible for finding solutions to other people’s problems. 4. IV: You have the right to change your mind. 5. V: You have the right to make mistakes—and be responsible for them. 6. VI: You have the right to say, “I don’t know.” 7. VII: You have the right to be independent of the goodwill of others before coping with them. 8. VIII: You have the right to be illogical in making decisions. 9. IX: You have the right to say, “I don’t understand.” 10. X: You have the right to say, “I don’t care.” And -> Cooping with the GREAT manipulator Criticism !! Verbal coping skills: Fogging negative assertion Negative inquiry To cope with criticism Fogging! Do not deny criticism Do not get defensive Do not reply to criticism Reply as if you are a fog bank It does not fight back An object right through it It is impossible to manipulate Do not offer any resistance to criticism

  25. 5 out of 5

    Mohammad Ali Abedi

    It’s a bit of an old book, 1975, but the information is relevant. I enjoy that the book was written by a psychologist who really knows what the hell he is talking about, rather than written by some business guru. It’s therefore a bit duller to read than contemporary, guru self-help books, but it’s not necessarily dry either, since the author tries to keep it as layman as possible. The book first gives us a brief idea of how non-assertive came about in some of us (blame your parents) and then It’s a bit of an old book, 1975, but the information is relevant. I enjoy that the book was written by a psychologist who really knows what the hell he is talking about, rather than written by some business guru. It’s therefore a bit duller to read than contemporary, guru self-help books, but it’s not necessarily dry either, since the author tries to keep it as layman as possible. The book first gives us a brief idea of how non-assertive came about in some of us (blame your parents) and then tells us ten Assertive Rights that we should believe in, mainly they have to do with be your own judge and don’t let other people affect your own decision making and actions. Finally, he gives us some ways of being more assertive, and these are FOGGING (absorb criticisms without defending yourself), NEGATIVE ASSERTION (say the negative thing about yourself or the situation), NEGATIVE INQUIRY (ask for more information related to something negative about yourself or the situation), SELF DISCLOSURE (give a bit of information about yourself), BROKEN RECORD (keep repeating what you want) and WORKABLE COMPROMISE (give an alternative solution). I don’t have a problem with assertiveness the way some of his patients in the book seemed to have, but I still found it useful to keep those simple techniques in mind. Specially, repeating what you want, without getting mad or defensive. The dialogue examples helps better understand the techniques.

  26. 4 out of 5

    Laura C

    This review has been hidden because it contains spoilers. To view it, click here. I was hoping for advice on being assertive while coming across as an intelligent adult but the sample dialogues mainly made the assertive person sound stubborn and rude or as if they were a psychiatrist speaking to their patient. The author is a psychiatrist but the advice was given to be used in every day life. The only useful information I found was that just because someone asks you a question, you don’t have to answer it. You can just reply with “I don’t know”. I definitely don’t agree on I was hoping for advice on being assertive while coming across as an intelligent adult but the sample dialogues mainly made the assertive person sound stubborn and rude or as if they were a psychiatrist speaking to their patient. The author is a psychiatrist but the advice was given to be used in every day life. The only useful information I found was that just because someone asks you a question, you don’t have to answer it. You can just reply with “I don’t know”. I definitely don’t agree on how the author thinks an assertive person should deal with criticism...to not only accept the criticism but to also verbally agree with the criticiser regardless if you agree or not. I didn’t realise just how long ago the book was written until I was nearing the end unfortunately. When I read in a sample dialogue that someone got up to turn off the tv I realised it must have been written a long time ago. I checked the publication date...written in the 70s! I hope this book helped many people 45 years ago but unfortunately I doubt it will be much help to anyone today.

  27. 5 out of 5

    Tarek Omran

    Best book thus far on the topic of being assertive... I really love it when an author has found a universal framework that just works in all situations. Regardless of where you are and who you are dealing with. The universality of assertiveness simply works with humans *PERIOD*! I like how the book starts by telling how you have the right to say no, to be wrong and not obliged to answer all questions. One point that was a complete eye opener was how common manipulation is. Our parents, friends and Best book thus far on the topic of being assertive... I really love it when an author has found a universal framework that just works in all situations. Regardless of where you are and who you are dealing with. The universality of assertiveness simply works with humans *PERIOD*! I like how the book starts by telling how you have the right to say no, to be wrong and not obliged to answer all questions. One point that was a complete eye opener was how common manipulation is. Our parents, friends and even our loved ones all go down the road of manipulation. Believe it or not but WE ARE ACTUALLY MANIPULATORS as well. That’s simply how the majority of the world is. So using such assertive techniques really do break peoples efforts to twist things and get their way. it allows for a clear and sincere message that makes people rather enjoy discussions with you and reach mutual agreements. HIGHLY RECOMMEND READING THIS BOOK!

  28. 5 out of 5

    Kathy Rothert

    Why five stars? Because if you or someone you love has low-self esteem, learned helplessness, is a child abuse survivor, in an abusive relationship, etc., this book will be very helpful. I think it's the best we have on this essential life skill. To learn to assert ones needs is an important component of self-compassion. The book is a bit over-the-top, maybe even a bit in-your-face, but if a person has zero assertiveness or has learned not to even bother trying to assert their needs or wants, Why five stars? Because if you or someone you love has low-self esteem, learned helplessness, is a child abuse survivor, in an abusive relationship, etc., this book will be very helpful. I think it's the best we have on this essential life skill. To learn to assert ones needs is an important component of self-compassion. The book is a bit over-the-top, maybe even a bit in-your-face, but if a person has zero assertiveness or has learned not to even bother trying to assert their needs or wants, then an over-the-top book can be a great recovery tool. It's repetitiveness is for instructional purposes only--no one reads a book like this to be enveloped in lyrical writing and consuming intrigue. It is somewhat dated, which means that there is probably a market for another author to write a book, perhaps a better book, on the subject.

  29. 5 out of 5

    Negan88

    This is a very decent read. It has a lot of helpful insight as far as assertiveness training. In my opinion the dialogues of people practicing assertiveness situations that occur in life was the most helpful. However, I believe it is easy to read and say, “well that makes a lot of sense!” But putting it into practice is a totally different story. Overall, a decent informative read, but a little dated and some of the dialogue was quite funny with very “flower power” type wording used. Such as, This is a very decent read. It has a lot of helpful insight as far as assertiveness training. In my opinion the dialogues of people practicing assertiveness situations that occur in life was the most helpful. However, I believe it is easy to read and say, “well that makes a lot of sense!” But putting it into practice is a totally different story. Overall, a decent informative read, but a little dated and some of the dialogue was quite funny with very “flower power” type wording used. Such as, (groovy, right on, as well as elusive ways of speaking of sexual situations that are now not such a big deal).

  30. 4 out of 5

    ofits

    Welp. Another book for the 'reread every year' category (note to self: make a 'reread every year' category). You have the right to be your own judge. Easy to say, not to easy to grok. When you truly believe you are your own judge, you don't feel the need to be defensive or justify your actions. Apparently. I have a lot of work to do before I get there. When you give up the need to be perfect, you can agree with the criticism of others. The benefit of this is that it quickly takes the fight out of Welp. Another book for the 'reread every year' category (note to self: make a 'reread every year' category). You have the right to be your own judge. Easy to say, not to easy to grok. When you truly believe you are your own judge, you don't feel the need to be defensive or justify your actions. Apparently. I have a lot of work to do before I get there. When you give up the need to be perfect, you can agree with the criticism of others. The benefit of this is that it quickly takes the fight out of them. This appeals to the pragmatist in me.

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